I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
