I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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