new low.... made out with someone while peeing
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
