I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
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