Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
