I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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