I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
