i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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