I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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