At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
