Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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