It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
