I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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