My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
