My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize