That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
