There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
