My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
