dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
