I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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