Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
