im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
