I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize