maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Someone came in the potted fern
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
