i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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