I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm at about main and main street
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
