i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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