He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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