We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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