I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
