She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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