Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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