The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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