Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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