1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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