I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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