So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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