i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
He has the fingertips of a God
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