you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
