He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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