So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize