Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
