you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
