he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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