When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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