you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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