when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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