Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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