Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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