I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Panties = found
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
