Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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