I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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