I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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