evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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