dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize