What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
