Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
