i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
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