just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
