1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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