I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
