He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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