this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
How's work?
Spinning.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
