When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
