Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
