Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
